QUEST: Questions & Expectations

Recently, I experienced a complete shift in my view towards questioning.  Although I had intellectually known that questions are good, I still felt such shame anytime that I questioned the actions or character of God. Anytime I had the question, “Why?” I felt like there was something wrong with me. Often, when I am vocal about my questions or doubts, non-Christians are quick to say, “See?  It’s about time you were rational about this!” while Christians are quick to say, “God is so much greater and beyond our minds’ capabilities, so stop!”  I’ve even had people discourage me from being vocal about my questions of faith because they didn’t want me to “ruin the faith of other people.”  With these thoughts rolling around in my subconscious each time I experienced a “why?” while reading the Bible or attending DTS classes, how else could I react but feel self-loathing?

 

This week, my friend Paula prayed over me concerning the issue.  She also gave me incredibly wise advice.  She said, “You have a storm whirling around inside you, and you need to calm it.  So, get your thoughts out.  Create a journal for your questions.  Write them down and then add information to each question as you research it, listen to lectures, and take classes.  Let the journal be a process over time.  Also, write down your experiences with God in that journal—write down the ones that you know in your heart of hearts are from God, supernatural, unexplainable events and experiences.  Continue to return to those and meditate on them with prayer.”  This was unbelievable advice!  So accepting, encouraging, and Godly.

That night, she also encouraged me and reminded me that God has gifted me in intellect and it’s good to use the brain that God has given me.  He is glorified in it and wants to give me answers.  I just need ask and seek and remain constantly in relationship with him.  After she encouraged me, I took her advice, sealed it in my heart, and wrote this poem:   

Your word was set on my heart

And your questions were, too

Not scoffing doubts by worldly lusts

Nor fearful fleeing by “little Christs”

But your questions reflect your heart

They burn from the inside out

Your questions lift scales form eyes

And cast demonic powers out

Your questions shine authority

And conquest lands of apathy

They lead me to still waters

And to promises from starry hosts

Your questions draw forth answers

They pour out power and wonder-filled lessons

They draw us to your Spirit heart

How dare I question your questions?

My God has not called me to ignorance or blind faith

But to questions of truth and a quest for its source

Not so I’ll be eternally void of answers

But so I will forever encounter fulfilled hope