HEALING: Miraculous Lessons Pt I

This whole last year, I adopted agnosticism as my own worldview.  I believed in the existence of a god, but I also believed that there was no way for us to really know what he was like.  I rejected Christianity because, after reading the Bible through many times, I felt like faith was unreasonable and that the way the scriptures were created and selected was far too fallible. 

However, after talking to a missionary friend of mine, I realized that I have far more spiritual encounters with the Christian God specifically than I have questions about the faith.  For example, I had witnessed and heard many testimonies about healings done in Jesus’ name.  I had a friend come to me to bring me comfort after spending time with Jesus because she felt like Jesus wanted me to be comforted—and it came right at a time when I was asking God if he was truly even present or if he cared about me!  I had the same friend gave me a passage from the Christian Bible about Jesus seeking after the one lost sheep on a day where I hated God because I no longer believed that he loved the individual.  These are just three small examples of Jesus showing up in my life.  Over and over again, small miracles have occurred in my life, pointing me again and again to Jesus!  They only stopped happening after I no longer was willing to accept them as such.

Once I recognized how active the Christian God has shown himself to me—Trust me!  There was a much longer list than just these three occasions!—I began to follow Christ again and became more open to the Holy Spirit.  (I also contacted the Christian friend who was so in tune with the Spirit and thanked her for being so obedient to the Spirit.  She told me that she wasn’t surprised that I took a step away from the faith because it was going to grow me in faith and answers, and I was meant to reach intellectuals.)

In fact as soon as I was truly open to hear from God again, I started to receive these experiences again.  First, I had to prioritize God first, above both terrible and wonderful things in my life.  I left Arizona, along with my developing alcoholism and incredible ex-boyfriend, behind me so that I could devote my life and learning to God alone. 

When I returned home, I continued struggling with depression (as I have for my entire life).  With depression, it’s impossible to feel true happiness as an emotion.  Instead, you only recognize cognitively when an event is labeled “happy.”  You feel utter hopelessness, self-hatred, and darkness all the time.  You cannot see a meaningful purpose to life or hope in any future. 

At one point, I prayed to God, asking him to understand that I needed to kill myself to free me from this mental illness and begging him to not only forgive me but understand and embrace my death.  He would be the only one that could accept my decision because only he truly understands what I go through every day with this mental illness.  I prayed and told him he’d have to really stop me if he wanted me to continue living.  Right then, my phone buzzed.  (Incredibly, this is the second time that God responded to me when in prayer with a text from a friend!)  A friend from college texted me the following:

“An 11:30 nugget of encouragement: ‘The actual value of an object is that which is placed on it by the owner or buyer.  God has shown the value He has placed on you by sending His son to redeem you” (Billy Graham).  You are never too far for Jesus to turn it all around for you.  Be bold and take steps to live fully alive and free in Christ!  I love you sister!  I’m proud of you!”

I obviously chose to continue living, and I still had plans to attend Youth With a Mission’s DTS.  However, I started second guessing if I should attend the school.  After all, wouldn’t the responsible thing be to get a job and start making money?  (That’s what our culture tells me!)  I started asking God in prayer if I should go to the school. Also, I was still discontent with many of the theological questions I had concerning free will, God’s character, etc. so I continuously prayed for God to show himself to me and answer those questions, as well.

Each time I prayed, however, I felt the strongest urge, almost a compulsion, to pray for love.  I would try to pray for knowledge and answers, but I couldn’t do it.  I always, always felt redirected to pray for love.  It was almost like I would see the words burned into my mind’s eye: PRAY FOR LOVE.

So, I finally listened and changed the way I prayed.  I started praying for the love I used to have for God and humanity.  I asked for God to pour his love into me until I overflowed to others.  For about three weeks, this was the only prayer I felt comfortable praying.  Anything else made me feel heavy and wrong; again and again I would feel redirected for a filling and overflowing of love.

A few weeks before I left for Mexico, I went to a prophetic conference with a friend of mine.  He is agnostic but afterwards said that either I personally told the prophet everything about him or the man was of God.  It was really powerful.

This is what the prophet said to me.  Remember, we’ve never met before and never spoken:

1.        You are a water pitcher overflowing, water pouring in each time that water is poured out.  The water is God’s love, being poured into you and out to everyone else.  You are in love with God’s people.  (Confirming that my prayer was from God!)

2.       You are gifted to reach intellectuals.  (Confirming what my Christian friend spoke over me!)

3.       This is my year of Esther, my year of preparation.  (Confirming that I should go to the DTS!)

He spoke a few other things that I am holding in my heart until they come into fruition, but it was an incredibly powerful message from God.  He was still present with me, despite my lack of faith!

God’s miraculous movement in my life began a deep process of spiritual healing.  I am excited to say that he has been continuing to move in the DTS, as well.  I will dedicate my next blog to this time in particular and how it is leading into a process of deep emotional healing and what I hope to be physical healing, as well!  Stay tuned.